10 cloverfield lane

paranoid? me? you? what? ahh!?!

12 years a slave

unbearably good

127 hours

compelling, creative, hip… no, arm

13 assassins

quiet, quiet slash BOOM slash

20th Century Women

it takes a (progressive) village

21 jump street

high school humor by adults

300: rise of an empire

mostly muscles

42

rookie steals hearts; ends racism

A Cure for Wellness

not quite refreshing

a good day to die hard

not a die hard movie

a.c.o.d.

not (leading) man material

abraham lincoln vampire hunter

vampires enslave, lincoln slays

Alien: Covenant

best villain contd.

(prerequisite: Prometheus)

american hustle

well played

american ultra

stoner spy action something?

anchorman 2: the legend continues

unquotable

animal kingdom

crime flashing by

Annabelle: Creation

eek but ew

another earth

parallel existential rebuilding

ant-man

a little funny action

argo

great prank guys

arrival

the talking cure

arthur christmas

brains vs. hearts

assassin’s creed

predictable science magic jumpy killy

Atomic Blonde

killer outfits

avatar

john smith screws native population

avengers: age of ultron

too many heroes

Baby Driver

worst title and neon oldies

batman v superman: dawn of justice

astonishingly boring

Battle: Los Angeles

nothing new: bullets, aliens, redemption

battleship

holy shit kitsch

beatiful creatures

better than twilight

Beauty and The Beast

but like actually beastiality

beginners

sincere, lonely

bill cunningham new york

charming portrait

birdman

perfectly maybe insane

biutiful

death rains on underworld middleman

black sea

some more deep sea testosterone

black swan

that’s method acting

blackfish

documentaries ruin everything – even seaworld

Blade Runner 2049

good health goth identity crisis

blue jasmine

pathological elegance

blue valentine

blooming/withering love

boyhood

glad we grew together

bridesmaids

crude lady hijinks

burlesque

thank god christina can sing

Captain America: Civil War

nerdgasm (with so many prerequisites)

captain america: the first avenger

yep, that’s a hero

captain america: the winter soldier

bruise-worthy

captain phillips

ideal reaction

carrie

well made anti-bullying ad

chronicle

teenagers try telekinesis

closed circuit

too much too soon

cloud atlas

consecutive simultaneously time people what?

Colossal

flawed but original

contagion

hypochonriacs beware

cowboys and aliens

extraterrestrial spaghetti western with chesse

crazy stupid love

love hurts; love is silly

crimson peak

spooky old chick flick

dallas buyers club

interesting history lesson

dark shadows

pale family vs. pale lady

dawn of the planet of the apes

apes–they’re just like us

deadpool

lol. bloody awesome

Deepwater Horizon

Corporate kills

despicable me

having kids spoils life goals

Dinner for schmucks

laughed 3x

divergent

dystopian statutory rape

Django Unchained

silver-tongued retribution

don jon

felt like i just fornicated

don’t be afraid of the dark

grimm but ridiculous

Don’t breathe

ow ow ow shhhhh

dr. strange

spectacular and snarky

dredd

violent future with frowny justice

drive

like traffic: go, stop, go

due date

too long but whatever

dunkirk

daddies save twinks

easy a

webcam confessional by professionals

edge of tomorrow

surprisingly surprising

elysium

poor white guy

ender’s game

video games’s effect on kids

europa report

surprisingly personal

evil dead

goriest book reading yet

ex machina

beautiful tech problems

fair game

being a celebrity sucks

fantastic beasts and where to find them

wizards with one trait each

fast & furious 6

most fastest and explodey yet

filly brown

heartfelt beats from unforgiving streets

Finding Dory

won’t forget this tender amazingness

flight

want to trust the hero…

footloose

needs more dancing

force majeure

unavoidable emotions

Free Fire

toxic masculinity with guns

friends with kids

apathetic adults… oh, and children

fright night

young man battles homicidal playboy

get low

plot’s like duvall: slow, intriguing

Get Out

deep deep-seated racism

Ghost in the Shell

watching this is hell

ghostbusters

women combat male entitlement

Girls Trip

haha that one girl

gods of egypt

they wasted so much money

godzilla

monsters! monsters! monsters! ew, humans.

going the distance

funny between music video montages

good time

close contact captivation

goodnight mommy

send help

gravity

can’t keep her down

green lantern

shiny but transparent

Green Room

white people scare me

guardians of the galaxy

perfect space action kitsch

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

super. id see it again

hail, caesar!

such a good premise

hanna

culture-shocked assassinette

harry potter & the deathly hallows part 1

hunted teens campout

harry potter & the deathly hallows part 2

magic hearts beat evil farts

heartbreaker

funnier than american rom coms

Hell or high water

white plight revenge

her

loved it

hereafter

how convenient

Hidden Figures

girls: smarter and smaller bladders

hitchcock

so artists need unconditional support?

horrible bosses

disgruntled stooges

howl

bad cgi covering poetry

hugo

orphan repairs old machinery

i am number 4

these aliens are too human

i love you phillip morris

liar liar never learns lesson

immortals

gods are unnecessary

Inception

matrix writers’ wet dream

Independence Day: Resurgence

unnecessary but lol.

Ingrid goes west

*makes account private*

inherent vice

intriguing and quirky but exhausting

inside llewyn davis

love to hate him

inside out

every emotion

insidious

silly silly scary-ass demon

insidious: chapter 2

must see first one first

insidious: chapter 3

supernatural pedophilia

interstellar

action, tears, confusion

into the woods

selfish people sing

iron man 3

sidekicks and science

IT

scarily enchanting

It Comes at Night

oooh noooo what’s happening?

it follows

kids: sex spreads supernatural stds

jack ryan: shadow recruit

not worth analyzing

jackie

pretty looking, pretty somber

john wick

keanu reeves: action dancer

joy

how old is she?

jupiter ascending

idiot princess and space rollerblader

jurassic world

out of control (product placement)

kaboom

soft-core thriller

killer joe

fucked-up family morals

kung fu panda 2

action-packed animation

la la land

not talented but charming

lawless

painful bootleggin’

les miserables

prepare to cry

life of pi

magical zoological odyssey

limitless

gimme that drug

lincoln

courting congress is stressful

Logan

emotional claws out

lone survivor

holy shit. that fucking hurt

looper

evolving sympathies

love and other drugs

every emotion leads to sex

machete

comically gory: “fuck immigration laws”

mad max: fury road

vroom, boom, and i cried

magic mike

to be young, beautiful, naked

magic mike xxl

hot dads’ road trip

mama

creepy jealous foster mom

man of steel

too much everything but logic

martha marcy may marlene

mediocre backwoods brainwash

megamind

misunderstood people will damage property

melancholia

(n.) condition of gloomy forebodings

men in black III

cockamamie time crime caper

Midnight in paris

how artistic

midnight special

nothing special

minions

gibberish speaks to me

miss peregrine’s home for peculiar children

peregrine’s home for plot holes

mission: impossible – ghost protocol

master thwarter

mission: impossible – rogue nation

he’s still got it

Moana

the future is female

moneyball

sport fantasizer’s dream on screen

monogamy

relationship nose dive

monsters university

really cute terrorist training facility

moonlight

tough and tender and important

moonrise kingdom

obsessively quirky

morning glory

cute–even the cat fights

Mother!

leave britney alone

mud

coming of all ages

nebraska

poetics of the mundane

neighbors

loud, immoral fun

night moves

goes nowhere slowly

nightcrawler

deliciously sociopathic

no strings attached

surprisingly quirky, charming, funny

non-stop

bring earplugs

Nora’s will

everything’s quiet

now you see me

wish i hadn’t

oblivion

beautiful but unsurprising

oculus

what’s really real? death

olympus has fallen

action shits on white house

only lovers left alive

somber riffs on existence

ouija: origin of evil

child labor is horrifying

oz the great and powerful

visual tricks, no real magic

pacific rim

monstrous acting

pain and gain

motivated people are horrible people

paranoia

legitimately only paranoia for 2 mins

paranormal activity 2

waiting in suspense is scary.

paranormal activity 3

imaginary frenemy

paranormal activity 4

creepy kids are evil

paranormal activity: the marked ones

being cursed is the worst

passengers

misery loves company

Pete’s Dragon

if you need a nap

philomena

well acted human interest story

pirates of the Caribbean: on stranger tides

dark silly swashbuckling caper… again

Power Rangers

nostalgia kicks ass

priest

religious cowboy battles attention spans

prometheus

ha. what? shit. woah.

rabbit hole

howling hearts

real steel

another underdog dad

red

repressed elderly take revenge

resident evil: 3d

watching somebody play video games

resident evil: retribution

zombie franchise needs to die

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

[explosion jump]

riddick

riddick-ulous

rise of the planet of the apes

winner of most humane: chimpanzees

robocop

error: no emotion detected

rogue one: a star wars story

minus forest whitaker, pretty epic

room

call your mother

safe house

espionage 101: escape and subvert

salmon fishing in the yemen

with enough money…

Salt

Lady Bourne

sanctum

visual depth but shallow characters

Sausage Party

Stupid, reductive, unfortunately ingenious

seven psychopaths

why movies are written

side effects

may include ruined lives

Silver linings playbook

crazily bantered; hysterical awkwardness

sinister

bad dad’s successful horror hunt

skyfall

perfectly delivered dench, judi dench

slow west

western poetry

snow white and the huntsman

women enchant men into battle

source code

well thought through but repetitive

spectre

whatever

Spider-man: Homecoming

Another? but maybe best yet

spring breakers

what is this doing here?

st. vincent

a-list tv movie

Star Trek Beyond

Buddy system

star trek into darkness

darkness? try explosions

star wars: the force awakens

like IV but funnier

stoker

eerily striking

sucker punch

insane stripperettes hallucinate horrendous adventure

super 8

these kids are actually adults

tammy

funny ladies, sometimes

tangerine

gurl, that’s some drama

ted

stuffed with referential humor

the adventures of tintin

ingenious investigation

the amazing spider man

animal-humans go: swoosh! whack!

the amazing spider-man 2

trilogy-in-one

the artist

actions speak louder

The avengers

mischief makes superheroes super angry

the babadook

not as scary as worrisome

the big short

necesscary

The Big Sick

preteens next to me loved

the birth of a nation

powerful 2nd & 3rd acts

the cabin in the woods

post-teen horror flick perfected

the campaign

perfect timing for deliberate ineptitude

the chronicles of narnia: voyage of the dawn treader

unexplained curse tempts annoying children

the congress

a technicolor tear

the conjuring

consistently scary

The Conjuring 2

Really scary Christian propaganda

the dark knight rises

reign of terror

the debt

flashbacks torture righteous kidnappers

the devil’s double

sodomite prince tortures pauper

The Expendables

Action stars, no acting

the expendables 2

beating plastic surgery off grandpas

The Fate of the Furious

more explosive multicultural melodrama saga

the fighter

rough/intimate fights outside ring

the future

magically mundane vs. tender absurity

the girl with the dragon tattoo

deadly dysfunction

the grand budapest hotel

oh what fun

the great gatsby

glass diamonds shatter when dropped

The Great Wall

white savior unauthorized alien lol

the green hornet

reckless boys

the handmaiden

gorgeous treachery

the hateful eight

typical tarentino

the heat

humorously inappropriate

the help

women being cleaning racist mess

the hobbit: an unexpeted journey

just as i expected

the hobbit: the battle of the five armies

crazy eyes

the hobbit: the desolation of smaug

everyone gets an action plot!

the hunger games

unhungry for huge battle

the hunger games: catching fire

sooooooo looooooong but fun

the hunger games: mockingjay – part 1

teen ptsd

the hunger games: mockingjay part 2

expect the expected

the illusionist

enchanting but hearbreaking

the imitation game

savant saves the day

The Jungle Book

parkoured all over my heart

The Kids Are Alright

don’t fuck with lesbians. literally.

The king’s speech

great play

the last exorcism

should’ve called cops

the lego movie

perfectly captures lego imagination

The Little Hours

fuck you, laugh

the lobster

monotone magic

the martian

macgyver of mars

the master

drunk lab rat escapes

the maze runner

teen solve perilous puzzles. again

the mechanic

hitman taken too seriously

the nice guys

multifaceted masculinity and murder

The Other Guys

unmemorable

the princess of montpensier

exquisite textiles, excruciatingly slow

the purge

rich concept; poor writing

the railway man

quiet, intensive therapy

The Red Turtle

won’t want to leave

the rite

idiot demon and weird voices

The Secret Life of Pets

watch internet cat videos instead

the secret world of arrietty

little girl, big world adventure

the skeleton twins

laughing while depressed

the skin i live in

crazed men; damaged women; sex

the social network

awkward kid’s path to popularity

the tourist

pedestrian used by spies again

the town

ben affleck has certain style

the twilight saga: breaking dawn – part 2

touchy feely superpowered bleh

the witch

female empowerment scares puritans

the wold of wall street

drugs drugs drugs. comedown

the wolverine

ouch and wow but ok

the woman in black

don’t steal babies

the world’s end

some laughs, some action

this is 40

embarrassing for the whole family!

this is the end

celebrities are just like… funnier

thor

could have hammered relationships more

Thor: Ragnarok

mostly comedy; i’ll allow it

thor: the dark world

handsome men vs. ugly men

total recall

personal conspiracy theory destroys marriage

train to busan

heartfelt and heart eating

transformers: dark of the moon

not child safe

tron legacy

neon-highlighted technologic messiah adventure

true grit

ragtag band on bounty

tusk

warning: you can’t unsee this

twilight: breaking dawn part 1

longest somber music video ever

Under the shadow

good horror, good cultural lesson

under the skin

silent siren’s long vision quest

underworld: awakening

predators with parental issues

Underworld: Blood Wars

New vampire superpowers

unfriended

scary skype ad

unknown

action-packed amnesia

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

beautiful but stupid

War for the Planet of the Apes

every human fued with apes

war horse

find horse, lose horse, repeat

we need to talk about kevin

step-by-step sociopath

what we do in the shadows

immor(t)al romp

what’s your number

anna faris makes poor decisions

whiskey tango foxtrot

get it, girl

Wonder Woman

Bloody Good Period Piece

world war z

action investigations

wreck-it ralph

smashes into your heart

X-Men: Apocalypse

expository dialogue to the rescue

x-men: days of future past

franchise merging complete

x-men: first class

mutants heat up cold war

you again

megan fox should have c0-starred

you’re next

resourceful protagonist fights terrible actors

your highness

no homo

zero dark thirty

obsessive woman finds bin laden

zoolander 2

yep, that’s a sequel

zootopia

maybe the cutest?