10 cloverfield lane

paranoid? me? you? what? ahh!?!

12 years a slave

unbearably good

127 hours

compelling, creative, hip… no, arm

13 assassins

quiet, quiet slash BOOM slash


seamless adrenaline

20th Century Women

it takes a (progressive) village

21 jump street

high school humor by adults

300: rise of an empire

mostly muscles


rookie steals hearts; ends racism

A Cure for Wellness

not quite refreshing

a good day to die hard

not a die hard movie

A Quiet Place

umm questions but yes yes

A Wrinkle in Time

A *Waste in Time


not (leading) man material

abraham lincoln vampire hunter

vampires enslave, lincoln slays

Ad Astra

Space meh.


All I remember: Will Smith

Alien: Covenant

daddy issues contd.

(prerequisite: Prometheus)

american hustle

well played

american ultra

stoner spy action something?

anchorman 2: the legend continues


animal kingdom

crime flashing by

Annabelle Comes Home

This selection of monsters attack!

Annabelle: Creation

eek but ew


something new

another earth

parallel existential rebuilding


a little funny action

Ant-Man and The Wasp

she’s better; still not good


haha it’s fine but stupid


great prank guys


the talking cure

arthur christmas

brains vs. hearts

assassin’s creed

predictable science magic jumpy killy

Atomic Blonde

killer outfits


john smith screws native population

Avengers Endgame

big dick (explosive) energy

avengers: age of ultron

too many heroes

Avengers: Infinity War

group project where everyone participated.

Baby Driver

worst title and neon oldies

batman v superman: dawn of justice

astonishingly boring

Battle: Los Angeles

nothing new: bullets, aliens, redemption


holy shit kitsch

beatiful creatures

better than twilight

Beauty and The Beast

but like actually beastiality


sincere, lonely

bill cunningham new york

charming portrait


perfectly maybe insane

Birds of Prey

cute but unhinged


death rains on underworld middleman

Black Panther

black (neoliberal) excellence

black sea

some more deep sea testosterone

black swan

that’s method acting


documentaries ruin everything – even seaworld

Blade Runner 2049

health goth identity crisis

blue jasmine

pathological elegance

blue valentine

blooming/withering love


glad we grew together


crude lady hijinks


thank god christina can sing

Call me by your name

I was seduced

Can you ever forgive me?

creative, witty, long

Captain America: Civil War

nerdgasm (with so many prerequisites)

captain america: the first avenger

yep, that’s a hero

captain america: the winter soldier


Captain Marvel

she’s intense but not charming

captain phillips

ideal reaction


well made anti-bullying ad


surprisingly boring


teenagers try telekinesis

closed circuit

too much too soon

cloud atlas

consecutive simultaneously time people what?


por toda la familia


flawed but original


hypochonriacs beware

cowboys and aliens

extraterrestrial spaghetti western with chesse

Crazy rich asians


crazy stupid love

love hurts; love is silly

crimson peak

spooky old chick flick

dallas buyers club

interesting history lesson

Dark Phoenix

wrong again

dark shadows

pale family vs. pale lady

dawn of the planet of the apes

apes–they’re just like us


lol. bloody awesome

Deadpool 2

Everything but Domino missed mark

Deepwater Horizon

Corporate kills

despicable me

having kids spoils life goals

Detective Pikachu

Adequate adorableness, appropriate attitude

Dinner for schmucks

laughed 3x


dystopian statutory rape

Django Unchained

silver-tongued retribution

Doctor Sleep

addiction and special needs kids

don jon

felt like i just fornicated

don’t be afraid of the dark

grimm but ridiculous

Don’t breathe

ow ow ow shhhhh

Downton Abbey

A visit with old friends.

dr. strange

spectacular and snarky


violent future with frowny justice


like traffic: go, stop, go

due date

too long but whatever


daddies save twinks

easy a

webcam confessional by professionals

edge of tomorrow

surprisingly surprising

Eighth Grade

More tense than horror films


poor white guy

ender’s game

video games’s effect on kids

europa report

surprisingly personal

evil dead

goriest book reading yet

ex machina

beautiful tech problems

fair game

being a celebrity sucks

fantastic beasts and where to find them

wizards with one trait each

Fantastic Beasts: The crimes of grindelwald

boring crimes of franchise explosion

fast & furious 6

most fastest and explodey yet

filly brown

heartfelt beats from unforgiving streets

Finding Dory

can’t forget how to love

first man

aspergers profiled again


want to trust the hero…


needs more dancing

force majeure

unavoidable emotions

Free Fire

toxic masculinity with guns

friends with kids

apathetic adults… oh, and children

fright night

young man battles homicidal playboy

Game Night

oh damn. actually funny.

get low

plot’s like duvall: slow, intriguing

Get Out

deep deep-seated racism

Ghost in the Shell

cultural and bodily appropriation


women vs. male entitlement

Girls Trip

haha that one girl

gloria bell

loneliness distilled

gods of egypt

they wasted so much money


monsters! monsters! monsters! ew, humans.

Godzilla: King of Monsters

Mom’s a tender terrorist

going the distance

funny between music video montages

good time

close contact captivation

goodnight mommy

send help


can’t keep her down

green lantern

shiny but transparent

Green Room

white people scare me

guardians of the galaxy

perfect space action kitsch

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

battle of the egos

hail, caesar!

such a good premise


setup for success but eh


culture-shocked assassinette

Happy death day

Durr/why?/also fun

harry potter & the deathly hallows part 1

hunted teens campout

harry potter & the deathly hallows part 2

magic hearts beat evil farts


funnier than american rom coms

Hell or high water

white plight revenge


loved it


how convenient


errrrr nooooooo ahhh ok nooooo

Hidden Figures

women: smarter and smaller bladders

High Life

There’s no space in space


so artists need unconditional support?

horrible bosses

disgruntled stooges


bad cgi covering poetry


orphan repairs old machinery

i am number 4

these aliens are too human

i love you phillip morris

liar liar never learns lesson

I, Tonya

did she? beats me


gods are unnecessary


matrix writers’ wet dream

Incredibles 2

Not Incredible but still fantastic.

Independence Day: Resurgence

unnecessary but lol.

Ingrid goes west

*makes account private*

inherent vice

intriguing and quirky but exhausting

inside llewyn davis

love to hate him

inside out

every emotion


silly silly scary-ass demon

insidious: chapter 2

must see first one first

insidious: chapter 3

supernatural pedophilia

Insidious: The Last Key

what key?


action, tears, confusion

into the woods

selfish people sing

iron man 3

sidekicks and science

Isle of Dogs

通常通り、魅力的な (charming, per usual)


scarily enchanting


That’s it?

It Comes at Night

oooh noooo what’s happening?

it follows

kids: sex spreads supernatural stds

jack ryan: shadow recruit

not worth analyzing


pretty looking, pretty somber

john wick

keanu reeves: action dancer

John Wick 3: Parabellum

Indulge me in dance murders

Jojo Rabbit

So much more than nazis


irresponsible and important?


how old is she?

jupiter ascending

idiot princess and space rollerblader

jurassic world

out of control (product placement)

Jurassic world

you’re ruining dinosaurs. please stop.

Justice League

Wonder Woman and annoying boys


soft-core thriller

killer joe

fucked-up family morals

Killing of a sacred deer

clinical madness

Knives Out

love a good whodunit

kung fu panda 2

action-packed animation

la la land

not talented but charming

Lady Bird

darling and real


painful bootleggin’

les miserables

anne hathaway and bad singing

life of pi

magical zoological odyssey


gimme that drug


courting congress is stressful


emotional claws out

lone survivor

holy shit. that fucking hurt


evolving sympathies

love and other drugs

every emotion leads to sex


comically gory: “fuck immigration laws”

mad max: fury road

vroom, boom, and i cried

magic mike

to be young, beautiful, naked

magic mike xxl

hot dads’ road trip

Maleficent: Mistress of Evil

dark angel fairies v. science


creepy jealous foster mom

man of steel

too much everything but logic


extremely difficult but worth it

martha marcy may marlene

mediocre backwoods brainwash

Mary Poppins Returns

only good thing: emily blunt


misunderstood people will damage property


(n.) condition of gloomy forebodings

men in black III

cockamamie time crime caper

Midnight in paris

how artistic

midnight special

nothing special


White People: what a trip


gibberish speaks to me

miss peregrine’s home for peculiar children

peregrine’s home for plot holes

Mission impossible: fallout

I guess keep ’em coming

mission: impossible – ghost protocol

master thwarter

mission: impossible – rogue nation

he’s still got it


the future is female

Molly’s Game

audiobook, the movie


sport fantasizer’s dream on screen


relationship nose dive

monsters university

really cute terrorist training facility


tough and tender and important

moonrise kingdom

obsessively quirky

morning glory

cute–even the cat fights


leave britney alone


coming of all ages

Murder on the Orient Express

figured that out how exactly???


poetics of the mundane


loud, immoral fun

night moves

goes nowhere slowly


deliciously sociopathic

no strings attached

surprisingly quirky, charming, funny


bring earplugs

Nora’s will

everything’s quiet

now you see me

wish i hadn’t


beautiful but unsurprising


what’s really real? death

olympus has fallen

action shits on white house

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

this is a man’s world

only lovers left alive

somber riffs on existence


pixar’s strange, heartfelt brother film

ouija: origin of evil

child labor is horrifying


more nazi zombies

oz the great and powerful

visual tricks, no real magic

pacific rim

monstrous acting

pain and gain

motivated people are horrible people


legitimately only paranoia for 2 mins

paranormal activity 2

waiting in suspense is scary.

paranormal activity 3

imaginary frenemy

paranormal activity 4

creepy kids are evil

paranormal activity: the marked ones

being cursed is the worst


so good, stays with you


misery loves company

pet semetary

spooky let-down

Pete’s Dragon

if you need a nap

Phantom Thread

handcrafted, gorgeous obsessions


well acted human interest story

pirates of the Caribbean: on stranger tides

dark silly swashbuckling caper… again

Power Rangers

nostalgia kicks ass


religious cowboy battles attention spans


ha. what? shit. woah.

rabbit hole

howling hearts

Ready or Not

She’s good at this

Ready Player One

all nostalgia, nothing new.

real steel

another underdog dad


repressed elderly take revenge

Red Sparrow

i spy predictable entertainment

resident evil: 3d

watching somebody play video games

resident evil: retribution

zombie franchise needs to die

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

[explosion jump]



rise of the planet of the apes

winner of most humane: chimpanzees


error: no emotion detected

rogue one: a star wars story

first war movie in franchise


lovely homage to other mothers


call your mother

safe house

espionage 101: escape and subvert

salmon fishing in the yemen

with enough money…


Lady Bourne


visual depth but shallow characters

Sausage Party

Stupid, reductive, unfortunately ingenious

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

creepy stories to not tell


clever but annoying

seven psychopaths

why movies are written

side effects

may include ruined lives

Silver linings playbook

crazily bantered; hysterical awkwardness


bad dad’s successful horror hunt


perfectly delivered dench, judi dench

slow west

western poetry

snow white and the huntsman

women enchant men into battle

Solo: A Star Wars Story

Fun but franchise overload

source code

well thought through but repetitive



Spider-Man: Far From Home

twink fights daddy’s exes

Spider-man: Homecoming

More spider-man! More relatability!

spider-man: into the spider-verse

real heart. so many spiders.

spring breakers

what is this doing here?

st. vincent

a-list tv movie

Star Trek Beyond

Buddy system

star trek into darkness

darkness? try explosions

star wars: the force awakens

like IV but funnier

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

lady leaders know best

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

fan-pandering dark space nonsense


eerily striking

sucker punch

insane stripperettes hallucinate horrendous adventure

super 8

these kids are actually adults


funny ladies, sometimes


gurl, that’s some drama


stuffed with referential humor


creative, cockamamie, uncharming

the adventures of tintin

ingenious investigation

the amazing spider man

animal-humans go: swoosh! whack!

the amazing spider-man 2


the artist

actions speak louder

The avengers

mischief makes superheroes super angry

the babadook

not as scary as worrisome

the big short


The Big Sick

preteens next to me loved

the birth of a nation

powerful 2nd & 3rd acts

the cabin in the woods

post-teen horror flick perfected

the campaign

perfect timing for deliberate ineptitude

the chronicles of narnia: voyage of the dawn treader

unexplained curse tempts annoying children

the congress

a technicolor tear

the conjuring

consistently scary

The Conjuring 2

Really scary Christian propaganda

The Cured

culty zombie vibes

The Curse of La Llorona

Mom fight (one’s a ghost)

the dark knight rises

reign of terror

the debt

flashbacks torture righteous kidnappers

the devil’s double

sodomite prince tortures pauper

The Disaster Artist

crazy good impression

The Expendables

Action stars, no acting

the expendables 2

beating plastic surgery off grandpas

The Farewell

Too overwhelmed to say anything

The Fate of the Furious

more explosive multicultural melodrama saga

The Favourite

delicious drama and tart wit

the fighter

rough/intimate fights outside ring

The Florida Project

don’t grow up

the future

magically mundane vs. tender absurity

the girl with the dragon tattoo

deadly dysfunction

the grand budapest hotel

oh what fun

the great gatsby

glass diamonds shatter when dropped

The Great Wall

white savior unauthorized alien lol

the green hornet

reckless boys

the handmaiden

gorgeous treachery

the hateful eight

typical tarentino

the heat

humorously inappropriate

the help

women clean racist mess

the hobbit: an unexpeted journey

just as i expected

the hobbit: the battle of the five armies

crazy eyes

the hobbit: the desolation of smaug

everyone gets an action plot!

the hunger games

unhungry for huge battle

the hunger games: catching fire

sooooooo looooooong but fun

the hunger games: mockingjay – part 1

teen ptsd

the hunger games: mockingjay part 2

expect the expected

the illusionist

enchanting but hearbreaking

the imitation game

savant saves the day

The Invisible Man

didn’t see being that good

The Jungle Book

parkoured all over my heart

The Kids Are Alright

don’t fuck with lesbians. literally.

The king’s speech

great play

the last exorcism

should’ve called cops

the lego movie

perfectly captures lego imagination

The Little Hours

fuck you, laugh

the lobster

monotone magic

the martian

macgyver of mars

the master

drunk lab rat escapes

the maze runner

teen solve perilous puzzles. again

the mechanic

hitman taken too seriously

the nice guys

multifaceted masculinity and murder

The Nun

religion is evil

The Other Guys


The Post

relevant family-friendly anti-authoritarianism

the princess of montpensier

exquisite textiles, excruciatingly slow

the purge

rich concept; poor writing

the railway man

quiet, intensive therapy

The Red Turtle

won’t want to leave

The Rental

adequate weekend surveilcation

the rite

idiot demon and weird voices

The Secret Life of Pets

watch internet cat videos instead

the secret world of arrietty

little girl, big world adventure

The shape of water

so fucking romantic

the skeleton twins

laughing while depressed

the skin i live in

crazed men; damaged women; sex

the social network

awkward kid’s path to popularity

The spy who dumped me

hunted goofy girls world tour

the tourist

pedestrian used by spies again

the town

ben affleck has certain style

the twilight saga: breaking dawn – part 2

touchy feely superpowered bleh

the wife

ahhh so close!

the witch

female empowerment scares puritans

the wold of wall street

drugs drugs drugs. comedown

the wolverine

ouch and wow but ok

the woman in black

don’t steal babies

the world’s end

some laughs, some action

Them That Follow

do anything for love/snakes

this is 40

embarrassing for the whole family!

this is the end

celebrities are just like… funnier


could have hammered relationships more

Thor: Ragnarok

mostly comedy (i’ll allow it)

thor: the dark world

handsome men vs. ugly men

three billboards outside ebbing missouri

evolving sympathies and a racist

Tigers Are Not Afraid

children are magic

Tomb Raider

Ouch that was ok

total recall

personal conspiracy theory destroys marriage

Toy Story 4

you peaked at 3

train to busan

heartfelt and heart eating

transformers: dark of the moon

not child safe

tron legacy

neon-highlighted technologic messiah adventure

true grit

ragtag band on bounty


warning: you can’t unsee this

twilight: breaking dawn part 1

longest somber music video ever

Under the shadow

good horror, good cultural lesson

under the skin

silent siren’s long vision quest


deep (depth), moody, capable

underworld: awakening

predators with parental issues

Underworld: Blood Wars

New vampire superpowers


scary skype ad


action-packed amnesia


seeking therapist immediately

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

beautiful but stupid

War for the Planet of the Apes

human war reenactments with apes

war horse

find horse, lose horse, repeat

we need to talk about kevin

step-by-step sociopath

what we do in the shadows

immor(t)al romp

what’s your number

anna faris makes poor decisions

whiskey tango foxtrot

get it, girl


yes, ladies. get that bread.


More plot holes than rooms

Wonder Woman

Bloody Good Period Piece

world war z

action investigations

wreck-it ralph

smashes into your heart

X-Men: Apocalypse

x-men: extreme makeover edition

x-men: days of future past

franchise merging complete

x-men: first class

mutants heat up cold war

you again

megan fox should have c0-starred

you’re next

resourceful protagonist fights terrible actors

your highness

no homo

zero dark thirty

obsessive woman finds bin laden

zoolander 2

yep, that’s a sequel


maybe the cutest?