creative, cockamamie, uncharming

The Rental

adequate weekend surveilcation

Birds of Prey

cute but unhinged


pixar’s strange, heartfelt brother film

The Invisible Man

didn’t see being that good


so good, stays with you


deep (depth), moody, capable


seamless adrenaline

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

fan-pandering dark space nonsense


surprisingly boring

Knives Out

love a good whodunit

Doctor Sleep

addiction and special needs kids

Jojo Rabbit

So much more than nazis

Maleficent: Mistress of Evil

dark angel fairies v. science


irresponsible and important?

Ad Astra

Space meh.

Downton Abbey

A visit with old friends.

Tigers Are Not Afraid

children are magic


That’s it?

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

creepy stories to not tell

Ready or Not

She’s good at this

The Farewell

Too overwhelmed to say anything

Spider-Man: Far From Home

twink fights daddy’s exes


White People: what a trip

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

this is a man’s world

Them That Follow

do anything for love/snakes

Annabelle Comes Home

This selection of monsters attack!

Toy Story 4

you peaked at 3

Dark Phoenix

wrong again

Detective Pikachu

Adequate adorableness, appropriate attitude

Godzilla: King of Monsters

Mom’s a tender terrorist


All I remember: Will Smith

John Wick 3: Parabellum

Indulge me in dance murders

High Life

There’s no space in space

The Curse of La Llorona

Mom fight (one’s a ghost)

Avengers Endgame

big dick (explosive) energy

pet semetary

spooky let-down

gloria bell

loneliness distilled

Captain Marvel

she’s intense but not charming


seeking therapist immediately

Mary Poppins Returns

only good thing: emily blunt


haha it’s fine but stupid

spider-man: into the spider-verse

real heart. so many spiders.


yes, ladies. get that bread.


more nazi zombies

The Favourite

delicious drama and tart wit

Fantastic Beasts: The crimes of grindelwald

boring crimes of franchise explosion

Can you ever forgive me?

creative, witty, long


setup for success but eh

first man

aspergers profiled again

The Nun

religion is evil


extremely difficult but worth it

The spy who dumped me

hunted goofy girls world tour

the wife

ahhh so close!


clever but annoying


lovely homage to other mothers

Crazy rich asians


Jurassic world

you’re ruining dinosaurs. please stop.

Ant-Man and The Wasp

she’s better; still not good

Mission impossible: fallout

I guess keep ’em coming

Eighth Grade

More tense than horror films


errrrr nooooooo ahhh ok nooooo

Incredibles 2

Not Incredible but still fantastic.

Solo: A Star Wars Story

Fun but franchise overload

Deadpool 2

Everything but Domino missed mark

A Quiet Place

umm questions but yes yes

Isle of Dogs

通常通り、魅力的な (charming, per usual)

Avengers: Infinity War

group project where everyone participated.

Game Night

oh damn. actually funny.

A Wrinkle in Time

A *Waste in Time

Tomb Raider

Ouch that was ok

Ready Player One

all nostalgia, nothing new.


something new

Red Sparrow

i spy predictable entertainment

The Cured

culty zombie vibes

Black Panther

black (neoliberal) excellence

Molly’s Game

audiobook, the movie


More plot holes than rooms

I, Tonya

did she? beats me

Phantom Thread

handcrafted, gorgeous obsessions

The Post

relevant family-friendly anti-authoritarianism

Insidious: The Last Key

what key?

The Florida Project

don’t grow up

The Disaster Artist

crazy good impression

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

lady leaders know best

The shape of water

so fucking romantic

three billboards outside ebbing missouri

evolving sympathies and a racist

Killing of a sacred deer

clinical madness

Call me by your name

I was seduced


por toda la familia

Justice League

Wonder Woman and annoying boys

Lady Bird

darling and real

Murder on the Orient Express

figured that out how exactly???

Happy death day

Durr/why?/also fun

Thor: Ragnarok

mostly comedy (i’ll allow it)


leave britney alone

Blade Runner 2049

health goth identity crisis


scarily enchanting

Annabelle: Creation

eek but ew

Girls Trip

haha that one girl

The Big Sick

preteens next to me loved

Atomic Blonde

killer outfits

Ingrid goes west

*makes account private*

good time

close contact captivation


daddies save twinks

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

beautiful but stupid

War for the Planet of the Apes

human war reenactments with apes

Spider-man: Homecoming

More spider-man! More relatability!

It Comes at Night

oooh noooo what’s happening?

The Little Hours

fuck you, laugh

Baby Driver

worst title and neon oldies

Wonder Woman

Bloody Good Period Piece

Alien: Covenant

daddy issues contd.

(prerequisite: Prometheus)

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

battle of the egos


flawed but original

Free Fire

toxic masculinity with guns

The Fate of the Furious

more explosive multicultural melodrama saga

Ghost in the Shell

cultural and bodily appropriation

Beauty and The Beast

but like actually beastiality

Power Rangers

nostalgia kicks ass


emotional claws out

The Red Turtle

won’t want to leave

A Cure for Wellness

not quite refreshing

Get Out

deep deep-seated racism

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

[explosion jump]

The Great Wall

white savior unauthorized alien lol

Hidden Figures

women: smarter and smaller bladders

Underworld: Blood Wars

New vampire superpowers


the future is female

20th Century Women

it takes a (progressive) village

la la land

not talented but charming

assassin’s creed

predictable science magic jumpy killy


pretty looking, pretty somber


misery loves company

rogue one: a star wars story

first war movie in franchise


the talking cure

the birth of a nation

powerful 2nd & 3rd acts

fantastic beasts and where to find them

wizards with one trait each

ouija: origin of evil

child labor is horrifying

dr. strange

spectacular and snarky


tough and tender and important

the handmaiden

gorgeous treachery

Under the shadow

good horror, good cultural lesson

miss peregrine’s home for peculiar children

peregrine’s home for plot holes

Pete’s Dragon

if you need a nap

Don’t breathe

ow ow ow shhhhh

Hell or high water

white plight revenge

Sausage Party

Stupid, reductive, unfortunately ingenious

Star Trek Beyond

Buddy system

Deepwater Horizon

Corporate kills

train to busan

heartfelt and heart eating


women vs. male entitlement

the nice guys

multifaceted masculinity and murder

Finding Dory

can’t forget how to love

Independence Day: Resurgence

unnecessary but lol.

The Secret Life of Pets

watch internet cat videos instead

The Conjuring 2

Really scary Christian propaganda

the lobster

monotone magic

X-Men: Apocalypse

x-men: extreme makeover edition

Captain America: Civil War

nerdgasm (with so many prerequisites)

Green Room

white people scare me

The Jungle Book

parkoured all over my heart

whiskey tango foxtrot

get it, girl

midnight special

nothing special

10 cloverfield lane

paranoid? me? you? what? ahh!?!


maybe the cutest?

batman v superman: dawn of justice

astonishingly boring

zoolander 2

yep, that’s a sequel

gods of egypt

they wasted so much money

the witch

female empowerment scares puritans

hail, caesar!

such a good premise


lol. bloody awesome

the hunger games: mockingjay part 2

expect the expected


call your mother




how old is she?

the hateful eight

typical tarentino

the big short


star wars: the force awakens

like IV but funnier

the martian

macgyver of mars

goodnight mommy

send help

american ultra

stoner spy action something?

crimson peak

spooky old chick flick


gurl, that’s some drama


gibberish speaks to me


a little funny action

insidious: chapter 3

supernatural pedophilia

magic mike xxl

hot dads’ road trip

mission: impossible – rogue nation

he’s still got it

inside out

every emotion

jurassic world

out of control (product placement)

slow west

western poetry

mad max: fury road

vroom, boom, and i cried

avengers: age of ultron

too many heroes

it follows

kids: sex spreads supernatural stds


scary skype ad

what we do in the shadows

immor(t)al romp

ex machina

beautiful tech problems

jupiter ascending

idiot princess and space rollerblader

force majeure

unavoidable emotions

black sea

some more deep sea testosterone

the babadook

not as scary as worrisome

the imitation game

savant saves the day

into the woods

selfish people sing

inherent vice

intriguing and quirky but exhausting

the hobbit: the battle of the five armies

crazy eyes

st. vincent

a-list tv movie

the hunger games: mockingjay – part 1

teen ptsd


deliciously sociopathic


action, tears, confusion


perfectly maybe insane

john wick

keanu reeves: action dancer


warning: you can’t unsee this

guardians of the galaxy

perfect space action kitsch

the congress

a technicolor tear

the skeleton twins

laughing while depressed

the maze runner

teen solve perilous puzzles. again


glad we grew together


funny ladies, sometimes

dawn of the planet of the apes

apes–they’re just like us

night moves

goes nowhere slowly

edge of tomorrow

surprisingly surprising

x-men: days of future past

franchise merging complete


monsters! monsters! monsters! ew, humans.


loud, immoral fun

the railway man

quiet, intensive therapy

only lovers left alive

somber riffs on existence

the amazing spider-man 2



what’s really real? death

under the skin

silent siren’s long vision quest

captain america: the winter soldier


the grand budapest hotel

oh what fun


dystopian statutory rape


bring earplugs

300: rise of an empire

mostly muscles


error: no emotion detected

paranormal activity: the marked ones

being cursed is the worst

jack ryan: shadow recruit

not worth analyzing

blue jasmine

pathological elegance


well acted human interest story

the lego movie

perfectly captures lego imagination

the wold of wall street

drugs drugs drugs. comedown


loved it

american hustle

well played

inside llewyn davis

love to hate him

the hobbit: the desolation of smaug

everyone gets an action plot!

anchorman 2: the legend continues



poetics of the mundane

the hunger games: catching fire

sooooooo looooooong but fun

thor: the dark world

handsome men vs. ugly men

lone survivor

holy shit. that fucking hurt

dallas buyers club

interesting history lesson

ender’s game

video games’s effect on kids

captain phillips

ideal reaction


well made anti-bullying ad

12 years a slave

unbearably good


can’t keep her down


not (leading) man material

insidious: chapter 2

must see first one first



closed circuit

too much too soon

don jon

felt like i just fornicated

the world’s end

some laughs, some action

you’re next

resourceful protagonist fights terrible actors

europa report

surprisingly personal


poor white guy


legitimately only paranoia for 2 mins


documentaries ruin everything – even seaworld

the wolverine

ouch and wow but ok

the heat

humorously inappropriate

pacific rim

monstrous acting

world war z

action investigations

the conjuring

consistently scary

monsters university

really cute terrorist training facility

this is the end

celebrities are just like… funnier

man of steel

too much everything but logic

now you see me

wish i hadn’t

the purge

rich concept; poor writing

fast & furious 6

most fastest and explodey yet


coming of all ages

star trek into darkness

darkness? try explosions

the great gatsby

glass diamonds shatter when dropped

iron man 3

sidekicks and science

pain and gain

motivated people are horrible people


beautiful but unsurprising

evil dead

goriest book reading yet

filly brown

heartfelt beats from unforgiving streets


rookie steals hearts; ends racism

spring breakers

what is this doing here?

olympus has fallen

action shits on white house

side effects

may include ruined lives

oz the great and powerful

visual tricks, no real magic


eerily striking

beatiful creatures

better than twilight

a good day to die hard

not a die hard movie


creepy jealous foster mom

abraham lincoln vampire hunter

vampires enslave, lincoln slays

les miserables

anne hathaway and bad singing

cloud atlas

consecutive simultaneously time people what?

Django Unchained

silver-tongued retribution

the hobbit: an unexpeted journey

just as i expected

zero dark thirty

obsessive woman finds bin laden

this is 40

embarrassing for the whole family!


courting congress is stressful


so artists need unconditional support?

life of pi

magical zoological odyssey

Silver linings playbook

crazily bantered; hysterical awkwardness

the twilight saga: breaking dawn – part 2

touchy feely superpowered bleh


want to trust the hero…


perfectly delivered dench, judi dench

wreck-it ralph

smashes into your heart

paranormal activity 4

creepy kids are evil


great prank guys


bad dad’s successful horror hunt

seven psychopaths

why movies are written

the master

drunk lab rat escapes


evolving sympathies


violent future with frowny justice

resident evil: retribution

zombie franchise needs to die


painful bootleggin’

the expendables 2

beating plastic surgery off grandpas

the campaign

perfect timing for deliberate ineptitude

killer joe

fucked-up family morals

total recall

personal conspiracy theory destroys marriage

magic mike

to be young, beautiful, naked

the amazing spider man

animal-humans go: swoosh! whack!

the dark knight rises

reign of terror


stuffed with referential humor


ha. what? shit. woah.

snow white and the huntsman

women enchant men into battle

dark shadows

pale family vs. pale lady

men in black III

cockamamie time crime caper

moonrise kingdom

obsessively quirky


holy shit kitsch

The avengers

mischief makes superheroes super angry

the cabin in the woods

post-teen horror flick perfected

friends with kids

apathetic adults… oh, and children

safe house

espionage 101: escape and subvert

21 jump street

high school humor by adults

the hunger games

unhungry for huge battle

salmon fishing in the yemen

with enough money…

the woman in black

don’t steal babies


orphan repairs old machinery

the secret world of arrietty

little girl, big world adventure

underworld: awakening

predators with parental issues


teenagers try telekinesis

we need to talk about kevin

step-by-step sociopath

war horse

find horse, lose horse, repeat

the help

women clean racist mess


(n.) condition of gloomy forebodings

the girl with the dragon tattoo

deadly dysfunction

the adventures of tintin

ingenious investigation

mission: impossible – ghost protocol

master thwarter

arthur christmas

brains vs. hearts

the artist

actions speak louder


gods are unnecessary

twilight: breaking dawn part 1

longest somber music video ever

the skin i live in

crazed men; damaged women; sex

paranormal activity 3

imaginary frenemy

martha marcy may marlene

mediocre backwoods brainwash


needs more dancing

what’s your number

anna faris makes poor decisions

real steel

another underdog dad


like traffic: go, stop, go


sport fantasizer’s dream on screen


hypochonriacs beware

the debt

flashbacks torture righteous kidnappers

don’t be afraid of the dark

grimm but ridiculous

fright night

young man battles homicidal playboy

the devil’s double

sodomite prince tortures pauper

crazy stupid love

love hurts; love is silly

rise of the planet of the apes

winner of most humane: chimpanzees

another earth

parallel existential rebuilding

cowboys and aliens

extraterrestrial spaghetti western with chesse

captain america: the first avenger

yep, that’s a hero


sincere, lonely

horrible bosses

disgruntled stooges

harry potter & the deathly hallows part 2

magic hearts beat evil farts

transformers: dark of the moon

not child safe

green lantern

shiny but transparent

the future

magically mundane vs. tender absurity

super 8

these kids are actually adults

x-men: first class

mutants heat up cold war

kung fu panda 2

action-packed animation

Midnight in paris

how artistic

pirates of the Caribbean: on stranger tides

dark silly swashbuckling caper… again


crude lady hijinks

13 assassins

quiet, quiet slash BOOM slash


religious cowboy battles attention spans


could have hammered relationships more

the princess of montpensier

exquisite textiles, excruciatingly slow

source code

well thought through but repetitive

bill cunningham new york

charming portrait


silly silly scary-ass demon


culture-shocked assassinette

your highness

no homo

sucker punch

insane stripperettes hallucinate horrendous adventure


relationship nose dive


gimme that drug

Battle: Los Angeles

nothing new: bullets, aliens, redemption


death rains on underworld middleman

rabbit hole

howling hearts

i am number 4

these aliens are too human


action-packed amnesia


soft-core thriller


visual depth but shallow characters

animal kingdom

crime flashing by

the rite

idiot demon and weird voices

no strings attached

surprisingly quirky, charming, funny

the illusionist

enchanting but hearbreaking

the mechanic

hitman taken too seriously

the green hornet

reckless boys

blue valentine

blooming/withering love

i love you phillip morris

liar liar never learns lesson

the fighter

rough/intimate fights outside ring

fair game

being a celebrity sucks

The king’s speech

great play

the chronicles of narnia: voyage of the dawn treader

unexplained curse tempts annoying children

tron legacy

neon-highlighted technologic messiah adventure

true grit

ragtag band on bounty

the tourist

pedestrian used by spies again

black swan

that’s method acting


thank god christina can sing

harry potter & the deathly hallows part 1

hunted teens campout

love and other drugs

every emotion leads to sex

due date

too long but whatever


misunderstood people will damage property

morning glory

cute–even the cat fights

127 hours

compelling, creative, hip… no, arm

Nora’s will

everything’s quiet


how convenient

paranormal activity 2

waiting in suspense is scary.


repressed elderly take revenge


bad cgi covering poetry

easy a

webcam confessional by professionals

the social network

awkward kid’s path to popularity

the town

ben affleck has certain style

you again

megan fox should have c0-starred


funnier than american rom coms

resident evil: 3d

watching somebody play video games

going the distance

funny between music video montages


comically gory: “fuck immigration laws”


john smith screws native population

get low

plot’s like duvall: slow, intriguing

the last exorcism

should’ve called cops

despicable me

having kids spoils life goals


matrix writers’ wet dream

The Kids Are Alright

don’t fuck with lesbians. literally.

The Other Guys


Dinner for schmucks

laughed 3x

The Expendables

Action stars, no acting


Lady Bourne