Logan

emotional claws out

The Red Turtle

won’t want to leave

A Cure for Wellness

not quite refreshing

Get Out

deep deep-seated racism

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

[explosion jump]

The Great Wall

white unauthorized immigrant helps citizens

Hidden Figures

girls: smarter and smaller bladders

Underworld: Blood Wars

New vampire superpowers

Moana

the future is female

20th Century Women

it takes a (progressive) village

la la land

not talented but charming

assassin’s creed

predictable science magic jumpy killy

jackie

pretty looking, pretty somber

passengers

misery loves company

rogue one: a star wars story

minus forest whitaker, pretty epic

arrival

the talking cure

the birth of a nation

powerful 2nd & 3rd acts

fantastic beasts and where to find them

wizards with one trait each

ouija: origin of evil

child labor is horrifying

dr. strange

spectacular and snarky

moonlight

tough and tender and important

the handmaiden

gorgeous treachery

Under the shadow

good horror, good cultural lesson

miss peregrine’s home for peculiar children

peregrine’s home for plot holes

Pete’s Dragon

if you need a nap

Don’t breathe

ow ow ow shhhhh

Hell or high water

white plight revenge

Sausage Party

Stupid, reductive, unfortunately ingenious

Star Trek Beyond

Buddy system

Deepwater Horizon

Corporate kills

train to busan

heartfelt and heart eating

ghostbusters

women combat male entitlement

the nice guys

multifaceted masculinity and murder

Finding Dory

won’t forget this tender amazingness

Independence Day: Resurgence

unnecessary but lol.

The Secret Life of Pets

watch internet cat videos instead

The Conjuring 2

Really scary Christian propaganda

the lobster

monotone magic

X-Men: Apocalypse

expository dialogue to the rescue

Captain America: Civil War

nerdgasm (with so many prerequisites)

Green Room

white people scare me

The Jungle Book

parkoured all over my heart

whiskey tango foxtrot

get it, girl

midnight special

nothing special

10 cloverfield lane

paranoid? me? you? what? ahh!?!

zootopia

maybe the cutest?

batman v superman: dawn of justice

astonishingly boring

zoolander 2

yep, that’s a sequel

gods of egypt

they wasted so much money

the witch

female empowerment scares puritans

hail, caesar!

such a good premise

deadpool

lol. bloody awesome

the hunger games: mockingjay part 2

expect the expected

room

call your mother

spectre

whatever

joy

how old is she?

the hateful eight

typical tarentino

the big short

necesscary

star wars: the force awakens

like IV but funnier

the martian

macgyver of mars

goodnight mommy

send help

american ultra

stoner spy action something?

crimson peak

spooky old chick flick

tangerine

gurl, that’s some drama

minions

gibberish speaks to me

ant-man

a little funny action

insidious: chapter 3

supernatural pedophilia

magic mike xxl

hot dads’ road trip

mission: impossible – rogue nation

he’s still got it

inside out

every emotion

jurassic world

out of control (product placement)

slow west

western poetry

mad max: fury road

vroom, boom, and i cried

avengers: age of ultron

too many heroes

it follows

kids: sex spreads supernatural stds

unfriended

scary skype ad

what we do in the shadows

immor(t)al romp

ex machina

beautiful tech problems

jupiter ascending

idiot princess and space rollerblader

force majeure

unavoidable emotions

black sea

some more deep sea testosterone

the babadook

not as scary as worrisome

the imitation game

savant saves the day

into the woods

selfish people sing

inherent vice

intriguing and quirky but exhausting

the hobbit: the battle of the five armies

crazy eyes

st. vincent

a-list tv movie

the hunger games: mockingjay – part 1

teen ptsd

nightcrawler

deliciously sociopathic

interstellar

action, tears, confusion

birdman

perfectly maybe insane

john wick

keanu reeves: action dancer

tusk

warning: you can’t unsee this

guardians of the galaxy

perfect space action kitsch

the congress

a technicolor tear

the skeleton twins

laughing while depressed

the maze runner

teen solve perilous puzzles. again

boyhood

glad we grew together

tammy

funny ladies, sometimes

dawn of the planet of the apes

apes–they’re just like us

night moves

goes nowhere slowly

edge of tomorrow

surprisingly surprising

x-men: days of future past

franchise merging complete

godzilla

monsters! monsters! monsters! ew, humans.

neighbors

loud, immoral fun

the railway man

quiet, intensive therapy

only lovers left alive

somber riffs on existence

the amazing spider-man 2

trilogy-in-one

oculus

what’s really real? death

under the skin

silent siren’s long vision quest

captain america: the winter soldier

bruise-worthy

the grand budapest hotel

oh what fun

divergent

dystopian statutory rape

non-stop

bring earplugs

300: rise of an empire

mostly muscles

robocop

error: no emotion detected

paranormal activity: the marked ones

being cursed is the worst

jack ryan: shadow recruit

not worth analyzing

blue jasmine

pathological elegance

philomena

well acted human interest story

the lego movie

perfectly captures lego imagination

the wold of wall street

drugs drugs drugs. comedown

her

loved it

american hustle

well played

inside llewyn davis

love to hate him

the hobbit: the desolation of smaug

everyone gets an action plot!

anchorman 2: the legend continues

unquotable

nebraska

poetics of the mundane

the hunger games: catching fire

sooooooo looooooong but fun

thor: the dark world

handsome men vs. ugly men

lone survivor

holy shit. that fucking hurt

dallas buyers club

interesting history lesson

ender’s game

video games’s effect on kids

captain phillips

ideal reaction

carrie

well made anti-bullying ad

12 years a slave

unbearably good

gravity

can’t keep her down

a.c.o.d.

not (leading) man material

insidious: chapter 2

must see first one first

riddick

riddick-ulous

closed circuit

too much too soon

don jon

felt like i just fornicated

the world’s end

some laughs, some action

you’re next

resourceful protagonist fights terrible actors

europa report

surprisingly personal

elysium

poor white guy

paranoia

legitimately only paranoia for 2 mins

blackfish

documentaries ruin everything – even seaworld

the wolverine

ouch and wow but ok

the heat

humorously inappropriate

pacific rim

monstrous acting

world war z

action investigations

the conjuring

consistently scary

monsters university

really cute terrorist training facility

this is the end

celebrities are just like… funnier

man of steel

too much everything but logic

now you see me

wish i hadn’t

the purge

rich concept; poor writing

fast & furious 6

most fastest and explodey yet

mud

coming of all ages

star trek into darkness

darkness? try explosions

the great gatsby

glass diamonds shatter when dropped

iron man 3

sidekicks and science

pain and gain

motivated people are horrible people

oblivion

beautiful but unsurprising

evil dead

goriest book reading yet

filly brown

heartfelt beats from unforgiving streets

42

rookie steals hearts; ends racism

spring breakers

what is this doing here?

olympus has fallen

action shits on white house

side effects

may include ruined lives

oz the great and powerful

visual tricks, no real magic

stoker

eerily striking

beatiful creatures

better than twilight

a good day to die hard

not a die hard movie

mama

creepy jealous foster mom

abraham lincoln vampire hunter

vampires enslave, lincoln slays

les miserables

prepare to cry

cloud atlas

consecutive simultaneously time people what?

Django Unchained

silver-tongued retribution

the hobbit: an unexpeted journey

just as i expected

zero dark thirty

obsessive woman finds bin laden

this is 40

embarrassing for the whole family!

lincoln

courting congress is stressful

hitchcock

so artists need unconditional support?

life of pi

magical zoological odyssey

Silver linings playbook

crazily bantered; hysterical awkwardness

the twilight saga: breaking dawn – part 2

touchy feely superpowered bleh

flight

want to trust the hero…

skyfall

perfectly delivered dench, judi dench

wreck-it ralph

smashes into your heart

paranormal activity 4

creepy kids are evil

argo

great prank guys

sinister

bad dad’s successful horror hunt

seven psychopaths

why movies are written

the master

drunk lab rat escapes

looper

evolving sympathies

dredd

violent future with frowny justice

resident evil: retribution

zombie franchise needs to die

lawless

painful bootleggin’

the expendables 2

beating plastic surgery off grandpas

the campaign

perfect timing for deliberate ineptitude

killer joe

fucked-up family morals

total recall

personal conspiracy theory destroys marriage

magic mike

to be young, beautiful, naked

the amazing spider man

animal-humans go: swoosh! whack!

the dark knight rises

reign of terror

ted

stuffed with referential humor

prometheus

ha. what? shit. woah.

snow white and the huntsman

women enchant men into battle

dark shadows

pale family vs. pale lady

men in black III

cockamamie time crime caper

moonrise kingdom

obsessively quirky

battleship

holy shit kitsch

The avengers

mischief makes superheroes super angry

the cabin in the woods

post-teen horror flick perfected

friends with kids

apathetic adults… oh, and children

safe house

espionage 101: escape and subvert

21 jump street

high school humor by adults

the hunger games

unhungry for huge battle

salmon fishing in the yemen

with enough money…

the woman in black

don’t steal babies

hugo

orphan repairs old machinery

the secret world of arrietty

little girl, big world adventure

underworld: awakening

predators with parental issues

chronicle

teenagers try telekinesis

we need to talk about kevin

step-by-step sociopath

war horse

find horse, lose horse, repeat

the help

women being cleaning racist mess

melancholia

(n.) condition of gloomy forebodings

the girl with the dragon tattoo

deadly dysfunction

the adventures of tintin

ingenious investigation

mission: impossible – ghost protocol

master thwarter

arthur christmas

brains vs. hearts

the artist

actions speak louder

immortals

gods are unnecessary

twilight: breaking dawn part 1

longest somber music video ever

the skin i live in

crazed men; damaged women; sex

paranormal activity 3

imaginary frenemy

martha marcy may marlene

mediocre backwoods brainwash

footloose

needs more dancing

what’s your number

anna faris makes poor decisions

real steel

another underdog dad

drive

like traffic: go, stop, go

moneyball

sport fantasizer’s dream on screen

contagion

hypochonriacs beware

the debt

flashbacks torture righteous kidnappers

don’t be afraid of the dark

grimm but ridiculous

fright night

young man battles homicidal playboy

the devil’s double

sodomite prince tortures pauper

crazy stupid love

love hurts; love is silly

rise of the planet of the apes

winner of most humane: chimpanzees

another earth

parallel existential rebuilding

cowboys and aliens

extraterrestrial spaghetti western with chesse

captain america: the first avenger

yep, that’s a hero

beginners

sincere, lonely

horrible bosses

disgruntled stooges

harry potter & the deathly hallows part 2

magic hearts beat evil farts

transformers: dark of the moon

not child safe

green lantern

shiny but transparent

the future

magically mundane vs. tender absurity

super 8

these kids are actually adults

x-men: first class

mutants heat up cold war

kung fu panda 2

action-packed animation

Midnight in paris

how artistic

pirates of the Caribbean: on stranger tides

dark silly swashbuckling caper… again

bridesmaids

crude lady hijinks

13 assassins

quiet, quiet slash BOOM slash

priest

religious cowboy battles attention spans

thor

could have hammered relationships more

the princess of montpensier

exquisite textiles, excruciatingly slow

source code

well thought through but repetitive

bill cunningham new york

charming portrait

insidious

silly silly scary-ass demon

hanna

culture-shocked assassinette

your highness

no homo

sucker punch

insane stripperettes hallucinate horrendous adventure

monogamy

relationship nose dive

limitless

gimme that drug

Battle: Los Angeles

nothing new: bullets, aliens, redemption

biutiful

death rains on underworld middleman

rabbit hole

howling hearts

i am number 4

these aliens are too human

unknown

action-packed amnesia

kaboom

soft-core thriller

sanctum

visual depth but shallow characters

animal kingdom

crime flashing by

the rite

idiot demon and weird voices

no strings attached

surprisingly quirky, charming, funny

the illusionist

enchanting but hearbreaking

the mechanic

hitman taken too seriously

the green hornet

reckless boys

blue valentine

blooming/withering love

i love you phillip morris

liar liar never learns lesson

the fighter

rough/intimate fights outside ring

fair game

being a celebrity sucks

The king’s speech

great play

the chronicles of narnia: voyage of the dawn treader

unexplained curse tempts annoying children

tron legacy

neon-highlighted technologic messiah adventure

true grit

ragtag band on bounty

the tourist

pedestrian used by spies again

black swan

that’s method acting

burlesque

thank god christina can sing

harry potter & the deathly hallows part 1

hunted teens campout

love and other drugs

every emotion leads to sex

due date

too long but whatever

megamind

misunderstood people will damage property

morning glory

cute–even the cat fights

127 hours

compelling, creative, hip… no, arm

Nora’s will

everything’s quiet

hereafter

how convenient

paranormal activity 2

waiting in suspense is scary.

red

repressed elderly take revenge

howl

bad cgi covering poetry

easy a

webcam confessional by professionals

the social network

awkward kid’s path to popularity

the town

ben affleck has certain style

you again

megan fox should have c0-starred

heartbreaker

funnier than american rom coms

resident evil: 3d

watching somebody play video games

going the distance

funny between music video montages

machete

comically gory: “fuck immigration laws”

avatar

john smith screws native population

get low

plot’s like duvall: slow, intriguing

the last exorcism

should’ve called cops

despicable me

having kids spoils life goals

Inception

matrix writers’ wet dream

The Kids Are Alright

don’t fuck with lesbians. literally.

The Other Guys

unmemorable

Dinner for schmucks

laughed 3x

The Expendables

Action stars, no acting

Salt

Lady Bourne